The deep journey of mental health – my personal experience

I have been thinking about writing something about this for a while, and I have written may drafts over the past months, never finding the right words. Sometimes too raw, sometimes too graphic, sometimes to self-pitying, sometimes too angry. But now I just write from my heart. So I apologize in advance if it is “too something” for any reader. But this is me tapping into my authenticity.

I have been inspired by a number of people who have come to me to chat about where their are in their journey and where I have been and where I currently am.

First of all, I need to be clear about a few things: I have not cured my depression and anxiety, I have not discovered some winning formula. What I have done is spent years and years doing deep and painful work which has resulted in longer feelings of healing and freedom as the years have passed. Also, this is a journey, layer by layer, different things will trigger us and bring up things we thought we may have resolved, it takes patience, kindness and compassion of self to be within each moment of that journey. Finally, we are all on a journey on mental health, whether we have been diagnosed with a mental illness or not. Finding our own way to deal with our minds and its connection to our bodies, our emotions and our souls is a journey for everyone, some people are just “pushed” into it a little more strongly than others.

I am trusting more and more than things happen where and when they are supposed to. So this is where I will start, January 2020 sorting through recipe books, while packing to move countries, I found a delicate hand written letter from my very wise Gran dated December 2000. In all my country, city and house moves in 20 years, I never knew I had kept this letter, but I discovered it now…

This letter reminded me that I have been on a journey of mental health for 20 years, this isn’t something I fixed in a year, this isn’t something I fixed with a spiritual trip to India. This has been 20 years of finding the healing that resonates with me (different modalities, different people, different stages). And actually, my trip to India, despite wanting to do it 15 years ago, came at the right time, when I could celebrate and appreciate my journey so far. It was the cherry on top of delving into deep deep piles of crap and coming out stronger.

This letter reminded me that my wise Gran was telling me things back then, that I have heard so many times, from different people, in different words. Over the past 20 years I have seen many Psychiatrists and Psychologists, I have learnt from Mother Nature, from animals, from my own body, from Kinesiologists, Reiki therapists, Womb healers, Meditation teachers, Buddhist teachers, Vedic teachers, Nia teachers, Yoga teachers, from some phenomenal books, from deep conversations with friends. All these people shared their knowledge and experiences with me, and often their knowledge did sink in, either consciously or subconsciously, even though at some stages, I wasn’t willing to listen. It is through my own experiences through embodying that knowledge into wisdom that I realized what works for me.

There were so many times that I was on a healing path, thinking I had conquered “IT”. Then, once again, I would spiral down into darkness over and over, picking myself up again at some of the hardiest stages in life. Sometimes accepting that someone else needed to pick me up off those bedroom and bathroom floors where I sank deeper and deeper into that endless pit of darkness, desperate to end the pain. Feeling defeated.

I have been a Guinea-pig for medication, some worked, some didn’t, some made me fat, some made me skinny. Sometimes I tried to be off them, sometimes it worked, most times it didn’t. There are times when I have bulshitted my way through therapy sessions, telling the same “obvious dramatic” stories to psychologists so that I didn’t have to go deeper. But through Kinesiology, Inner child work, Yoga, Nia, Reiki, Gut health, Womb healing, Breath work…my body never lied, my body, this temple of wisdom, showed the truth.

The thing is, I still haven’t conquered “IT”, but over years of finding what works for me (often different things have worked at different stages in my life). I have finally stopped fighting against it. I have stopped trying to control my feelings and situations. I have had many experiences that have literally knocked me on the head, knocked some sense into me. But the past year I think I have finally truly taken the time to tap into my inner wisdom and I have stopped seeing my depression and anxiety as something against me. I have seen it as my biggest teacher, it has given me the reason to go deeper, despite the deepness being excruciatingly painful. It has taught me to find balance in my life, what I need to do every single day, to find what I need to heal within myself. I have found what works for me.

No doubt, I still have situations and people that trigger me. And I still go through stages of shame and self-hatred when I see a part of me I dislike. But I am learning to work through those things and also realise that I am human, and I cannot solve everything in one breath. Over and over I am reminded that I need to cut chords that bind me to people who I allow to impact me negatively. Often falling back and realizing it again, until it hurts too much to continue the poisonous cycle. I know I cannot blame others or situations for my feelings and perceptions, but I also know that I cannot take on the responsibility of other people’s processes and their part in negative situations. I can, however, thank them for being teachers in my life and for reflecting back at me what I have needed to heal within myself.

There are a lot of things that I have learnt that work for me. I have finally discovered that certain foods and alcohol set me back in my healing process. (8 March 2020 = 1 year alcohol free ). I know that connecting to my body through movement (Yoga, dancing, running) help me to feel grounded. I know that without at least 10 minutes of mindfulness and meditation in the mornings, I can unravel during the day. I have learnt that certain therapies and healing modalities work better for me that others, but each and every single one that I have tried has helped me at the stage when I needed it. I know, without a doubt, that connecting to nature in a mindful way is one of my biggest needs. And most of all I have learnt to have deep gratitude for the teachers in my life and for the people that have held and supported me (unconditionally) at various stages in my journey.