Why I did not go to India to “find myself”

I started writing this blog post on my flight to India, over two months ago, and it has evolved and grown with each experience along my journey. The phrase, “going to find myself in…[insert country]” does not resonate with me, in fact this cliche irritates me. Or the other comment, “oh, you’re doing an Eat, Pray, Love”. “Um, no, I had the Indian Ashram dream way before dear Liz Gilbert, published her incredible book”.

We were discussing this at the Ashram I stayed at in Rishikesh, when my beautiful Brazilian friend said “how can I find myself here? I am a work in progress!” And she is right, we are ever growing, ever evolving human beings. Even if we catch a glimpse of our authentic truth at times in our lives; circumstances, events and even our own mindsets change at various stages and are all a form of growth. I don’t think a country can be where I find myself, but I wonder if it can help me regain the wisdom that I already have, deep within.

Perhaps it is more that a country finds a way of leaving something of itself in me. Tapping into something that reminds me of who I really am, what is important in this world, and most of all that I don’t have to “belong” or fit in anywhere, my home is in my soul. India, more so than other countries that I have travelled to, touches my soul. It makes me feel real, makes me feel connected. Perhaps it is the contrast of peaceful spirituality and the chaos, the humanity and lack thereof, the poor service but generous and homely hospitality.

The strange things is that I found the Nepali people (in general) more warm-hearted, kind and compassionate than the Indians. I felt safer in Nepal and I found it endearing. Which was such a wonderful environment to be in. However, when I am in India, I can feel it in my soul that I have been here over many lifetimes before, in many different forms. I can feel it in my feet connecting to the earth. The sounds, smells and sights are so familiar to me, my soul is not experiencing these places for the first time. I feel alive, I feel connected.

For a crazy, loud, busy country, I almost find it harder here to find a quiet place to meditate and do some yoga. Which I find quite ironic, being the birthplace of yoga, but it is a great teacher in finding quiet and peace within, despite my surroundings.

A guide in Varanasi and I were chatting about the “feel” of India that cannot be explained. He used the metaphor of being in love. Everyone feels it differently and can’t really and truly explain their own feelings of it. It is a strong feeling within. India; you can try describe it, show pictures or videos, but it is the energy of the place, different to each person. A feeling within from the vibration of the place, that cannot ever be fully described, that keeps people coming back.

In India (or life for that matter) you chose what you want to see. You can see the dirt, the rubbish, the cows and stray dogs, you can smell the cow pat and sewerage, you can hear hooters, and people eating with their mouths open or slurping their chai, or feel them pushing and shoving you. Or you can see brightly colored saris, sunrises over holy rivers and snow capped mountains, you can smell incense and fresh flower garlands, spices wafting from chai stands, you can hear the jangle of bangles and ankle bracelets and Aarti bells and feel the beautiful vibrations of chanting devotees.

When I was in Dharamshala, I randomly bumped into a guy that I met at an Ashram in Kerela in 2016 (how is that for a coincidence?). He hasn’t left India since then. My first reaction was “I’m so jealous!” Being in India for over 3 years. Ah an absolute dream. Not to have gone through the parts of the past 3 years of my life… an even better dream. But then how do we grow? Being in everyday “real” life so often challenges us about who we are in certain situations, it helps us grow. Yet traveling reminds us who we truly are within.

My yoga teacher back home, Sarah, says that each day when we get on our yoga mat, we should see it as a way to reset our body and minds. India and Nepal have been huge reset buttons for me. It is such a great reminder of how important a daily practice of yoga and meditation is. In order to reset, remind, reconnect. Each day. So that each day is easier to cope with (whether traveling or in your usual routine). Each encounter is one with love. Each challenge is seen as a lesson or an adventure. Everyone has their way of resetting themselves or they can chose to stay in the same routine of life that is safe and comfortable. I think we all know who we are, but because of routine, work, or masks we wear, people we associate with, we end up following a path that’s not authentic to our true selves. Sometimes we need to take a step back to see the situation from a different perspective, and appreciate what we already have.

To quote a very wise Mexican friend I made on my trip, “…when I travel I’m open and honest to myself and others, I’m scared to get back to the point where I started without improving as a person, but you know what, since I returned from India I wouldn’t say that I’m the same person as I was there, but I also didn’t return to the person I was before. I think I’ve taken a small step to the person I want to be, not the big step that I would have liked it, but a step”.

This resonates with me so much. That travel, and also being on the mat, is a way to reset and remind ourselves of our own truth. It is the essence of the power of Now. When you are fully present, you are more fully yourself than you ever were before. It is only Now that you are truly yourself.

I think it is also the people we meet when traveling. The connections and friendships I have made in India and Nepal are moments I will always treasure. To be around so many like minded people, to be able to just Be and talk freely and openly. No pretense; so often conversations would just delve right into the nitty gritty and pondering of life. My heart is so full of gratitude when I think of every person I connected with, whether for a brief moment or a few days. (You know who you are ). Whether we stay in touch, or we don’t, these are moments that have touched and influenced my journey of life.

One of the great things I have discovered on this trip is my love for writing. I have never been a “wordy” type person. Always rather using dance/expression of movement and creativity (random painting or crafts) to express myself. I have had a pattern of getting my words wrong, being misunderstood, or hurting myself and others while trying to express myself and my feelings, to the extent that it is better for me to keep my distance from some people. But writing this time has come so naturally and I find myself having sentences go round in my head, just waiting to spill out! So long may this blog last…

Traveling in general, but specifically India, also helps me see the humor and adventure in the smallest situations. For example; I was doing my yoga self practice one evening on the rooftop at Roots Institute in Bodhgaya. A Japanese guy arrived with his mat, singing along loudly to “Let it Be” by the Beatles, as it played from his phone. He then started his exercises, and changed the music to hum along to the theme song from Star Wars. I could have got irritated that my peaceful practice had been disturbed. Instead, I lay on my back, legs in the air in a very elegant “happy baby pose”, giggling at the fact that I was on a rooftop in India doing yoga to the Star Wars theme song, while the sun began to set and the prayer flags gently danced in the breeze.

I saw this quote at Bodhi Tree in Kolkata, my very first (and a very special) destination: “To travel far and wide, through many lands and cultures, opens one’s mind and heart towards the love of nature and humanity. But the greatest of all journeys is to travel deep within oneself, into the mystic fields of spiritual consciousness, and taste the tranquil fruits of patience, compassion, wisdom and understanding.”

So maybe I shouldn’t have called this blog, or my Facebook and Instagram accounts “The Search…”, because I think we are always searching……. Which can have negative and positive connotations. Sometimes we search for “the next best thing”, “the next thrill”, because we fell like something in our lives is lacking. However trying to find that “missing thing” will honestly drive us crazy, because we are already whole, this is nothing missing in any of us, except maybe the conscious awareness of being mindfully present.

On a positive note, to constantly search in order to gain knowledge, to understand, to grow, to tap into Self, to broaden our horizons and perspective, to find the sweetness and adventure that this life has to offer, to appreciate what we have, to find pleasure in the pain and to ultimately gain wisdom. Now that is a search I am willing to continue for the rest of this lifetime…

Massive gratitude to my amazing husband and my special friends (old and new), for being so enthusiastic, supportive and energetic about my recent journey and about this blog. I hope I can continue to be inspired by all the beautiful souls around me, so that I too, can inspire and support others.

Namaste  (The divine in me honors the divine in you)